ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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