Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
