I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
