If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
