just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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