I wish I only lived at night.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
