i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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