Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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