I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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