He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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