I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He shit in the fireplace
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
