I just saw a hot homeless man
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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