i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
