I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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