No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
