Betty ford says i'm here all night
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm too high and old for this...
I need to align my fucking chakras
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
