Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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