I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
