Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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