How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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