do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
