I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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