life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
