Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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