i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
