I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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