dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
