I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
