you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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