question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
not ubering you a puppy
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