I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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