I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
