woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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