Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
