im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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