I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize