The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
