Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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