That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
