I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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