and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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