you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
