I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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