i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
