I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
