No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
