i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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