I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
