There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
