just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The struggles of a small town man whore
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
