I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
