Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
