Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
