Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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