He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize