and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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