I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
