is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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