Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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