The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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