I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
