All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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