Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize