You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
